feminine ends

Sometimes I wonder what keeps me

from doing it- 

A Virginia Woolf or Slyvia Plath

pockets heavy with memories

stuffed like olives with could ofs or-

head stuffed in with the cookies

suffocating on all that I never was-

Then I remember who I am-

I was built to endure.

last of my cares

Today I gave away

my last single fuck

to give. It was held

between two fingers,

handed over like

a ticket to valet,

to you to crumple.

Now, I cut losses

and drive away.

life lessons

He say,

to me, to the room,

aloud but just us,

"I don't know if I'm a

Criminal or Saint."

I fold,

it's laundry, I'm silent,

He continues on,

"You can do well,

Just near money."

Eyes met,

We learned that

Bacon drips grease

living bottom pan

We get fat too.

how can you recover from nothing

While I fear I am shattered,

Like the screen of a phone of a girl

mid twenties and entering an AA

Meeting unwilling, Or cracked like

A whip, or so broken like house

Built by pasting together twigs 

with a glue stick and childlike faith.

But my greatest fear, the fear that

Eats the hole I try to fill, is that I'm not.

That my pain is because I never felt

A real day of pain and suffering and

I am pouty lipped, spoiled crying 

at the challenges life hands everyone.

people make me hate me

What is love other than knowing

That I get so in my heart that

My mouth spits out blood clots

Instead of words and my eyes ache

From the tears a child never was allowed

To cry. And my fingers bleed because

I chew and I bite and I gnaw on my hands

So I cannot speak the emotions my brain

Can't understand. Understand that when

I'm violent and wild it's in not anger but

Grief and sorrow. And see that I push you;

I push you away so I can be as alone

As when I was a kid. When I was truly myself

Before I became the summation of all

The things I thought people wanted me 

To be. As no one wants you to be your best

But instead want the best version of what

they were so Disappointed you weren't.

What is friendship, If not this knowing feeling

That resides within like how every tiny 

micro facial tic is a memory held in my body 

but my brain and I will never know. 

Never remember, but live it everyday. 

How every thing I see and I say is either 

a blackout or repeated Record skipping, 

rattling muffler style, Memorized.

As I pick friends like they pick a football team, 

it was near and it was familiar

But never second guessed If they liked

football at all. And what is to Solitude?

How can I ever be alone, if I am

Indeed someone I'd want to be around?

feast

I am moony-eyed to the sky

And the moon moons me back.

Cheeky scamps, we hide away.

and we must

Don't live among a thousand

Grains of grey unless you must.

Then cherish the grade and nuance,

Depth and breadth

Of each shade.

making it

Nothing is nothing and nothing is free.

Sometimes. 

You have a bad week. 

But you splurge fifty bucks

at the thrift store.

For that fleeting moment; 

You feel great.

You made it. 

Till the glance around and

The knowing that

Your made it is someone else's 

Barely making it. Barely there.

Falling apart and dispersed. Scattered.

Bits and pieces of a life, sad.

Like the clothes of a dead mom

Dumped in garbage bags and dumped

Outside the donation door

And sold to me and sold to you.

Just as it was made to be.

Stooping for crumbs and 

Praising those who dumped

On me and dumped me 

and made me.

everyday

Our fights are like playing catch, with the same,

Old, tired out truama of childhood, toss an insult,

It was my mother's maybe my grandmother's before,

You return in kind, and there's a moment, when

The pause settles in the air, and we do not know

will it continue on or end it all. What happens?

If we just stop? Don't hold our breath waiting

For the return, the same day as yesterday,

back and forth of you and me? I am just the

worst moments of a kid in a ball, thrown

to you, you catch and throw me back.

I want you to keep me, hold me, caress me,

Like you are in the produce aisle and

I am a ripe, red apple,  but you don't.

You never have. 

Sometimes,

I get a glimpse of a woman in the mirror

I don't know her but I like her, do you know this?

Does it scare you and you tighten your grip?