to my dead ex-husband

woke up in jail the morning of our first date

bailed myself out with no bra and no panties

could you smell the puke thru the phone as i

asked for two hours more - "to get ready"

"there's bile in the bathtub" and "i was arrested"

i was still green to the world and you at your peak

vulnerable as strangers who met at night 

i performed hari kari you saw it striptease 

fed you my guts and you baby bird yours in turn

....that's a metaphor for secrets 

we didn't literally eat guts but i did see your guts

in the literal way for the last half of marriage.

more on that later.... we called it un-dating

therapists would call it trauma bonding 

who cares what it's called? I WAS ALL IN!

i'm sick but you are sicker.

my trauma a seventh heaven special

and yours a raw dawg live npr war reel.

i know the sound of a man's scream 

when you peel off the bandage from wound 

scabbed into the flesh but i cannot stop

it's the only way it will heal and that's when

i touched your guts almost everyday

the washi thin skin - porcine - that's literally pig

....these are not metaphors

no more metaphors here on this is all reality

i cleaned your bulging guts and intestine ridge

saw LITERAL SHIT move thru to a bag

filled with LITERAL SHIT id drain and dump

(and i cleaned that hole too)

and i loved and i loved and i loved

i loved you to death.

comatose in the hospital (both times)

id wash your feet and comb your hair

cut your nails and kiss your face and cry

nurses would stop to tell me how strong i was

but i was not and never strong enough to cure you

for all my devotion - dedication - SOUL MATE -

YOU know what i got cause you're the one who gave it

you slapping me like a naughty child because

i do not hold the bucket you are puking in just right

made me stay awake for days so you weren't alone

i dumpster-dived to feed myself to afford your poison

that which nourishes you destroys me 

suck out my soul it's been yours since that first date 

and you yelled at me and scheduled me and timed me

you kept saying that i wanted you dead 

you said i wanted you dead I still hear it in my sleep

"YOU JUST FUCKING WANT ME DEAD!"

because i asked to try doctors orders?

asked you to wait one LITERAL minute?

how do you figure that i wanted you dead

the girl who waited by your hospital bed

didn't eat for days and taught you to walk again

you kept saying that i wanted you dead

but how? when all i ever did was will you to live?

every minute every breath every action to save you

i fought harder for your life than you ever did

but every day you said i wanted you dead

well don't you believe in self-fulfilling prophecy? 

wishful thinking? well i do and i don't care who knows

being married to you was LITERAL hell

i had to leave, it was you or me, and i chose me

getting over you took more than the lawsuits

you sued me you sued the girl who washed you

picked your body up from bed and carried it to couch

so yes i loved and i loved and i loved you to death

but you still had the final fucking word.