ON YOUR WEDDING DAY

Happiness to you, on this day you deserve it,

you fucking earned joy

after how I wheel barreled you in triplicate,

        blind occipital orbits in the way each time,

I was an emotional wart, back time and time again.

We slipped into record grooves of a life others lived before. 

        Assigned the roles as kids and

            living with them as emerging adults.

Cops and Robbers. Hide and Seek. I Spy.

Donned our character sheet and became:

Zoo. French Class. Drunken nights.

    I was playing a scene I saw on t.v.

once as a child,
    I thought that was 

boyfriend, girlfriend, 

    dating, life and love.

Thought I could just mimic it true.

I'm sorry. Sorry, so sorry.

See me in those blinding neon pink pants.

chunky white and pink Baby Phat shoes.

   Bedazzled flashes of nights

    I can barely remember. 

I was cruel.

    Not a good girlfriend.

        Not a good friend.

            Not a good girl.

                NO FUCKING GOOD.

      I wanted to be one of the boys.

I wanted to be one of YOUR boys.

Then I'd turn fast with a tipped glass, sloshed

    abandoned you downtown, no ride,

        midnight - buses not running -

ignored your frantic calls. All calls.

    All cause the band played 

the song you wanted, 

        and not the song I wanted.

    Selfish, Wild, Hurtful. Das Moi.

No sorry could fix this. That's just one.

        One Incident. Snapshot.

You endured. Love? I didn't know it.

    But you did in some way. Surely.

        Twirly, hurly, rollercoaster love.

Wish I could say it was an act. 

    As if, I couldn't know better.

Perhaps I wore tough to impress you

                    -But that's another lie.

It was almost always my fault, 

    even if I always

        always blamed you. 

I was ready to fight at birth

    but you knew that.

[Did you ever really believe my lies?]

I was wrong. I was wrong about you.

        You proved me wrong. Catch me humble.
You deserve someone to love

    your polycast ways which print eternal

        three dimensional ways

faint fuzz sensitive and chilled kindness.

there's art in the machine, you said

you were mechanical, but you were all heart

    tender-hearted, delicate. Get love. Get life. 

Snatch it up how 

    I would snatch up your shoulders

and shake and cry and yell.

    Take life by the balls and love 
in your bionic binary ways. 

            Whole again.

                    I hope.

    You should never be second in line again.

You, who dove into dreams of giraffes, remember that,

        and rise up, up, up the ladder.

gifted another blessed day in a life that only grows.