summertime restart

Last night
          insomnia 
    I broke down and

      broke out of a phone prison

where I've been trapped for months
    you were a scapegoat-warden
          I selected
with no bread

         no water
    only daydreams of summers 

        that won't ever be to sustain me.
I cracked through the screen
    punching that hallow
glass reflection of the little woman I've been

    for too long
            too long.

Restart.

        Restart summer the day after it's official start.

Or better stumble over my legs into fall leaves,

    fall time,
        fall season,
            and forget how bad I've fallen

in and out of myself for months. Just scrolling along,

in zombie-like heat. Guess I do feel sympathy, 

        knowing how bad it now feels for stupid me. Embarrassing.

    It's not you; it's me.
        But it's also you; but still me. Mostly me?

If I seem mad at you; it's cause I'm mad at me.

    Both crazy-mad and angry-mad and mad-about-you.

           It was fucking religious epiphany.

It's. A. Prison. Of. My. Own. Making.
            (even if I wallpapered it pretty)

Time to disentangle

        - cut the knots out of my hair that I tied to you.

For me, I must respectfully say goodbye to captivity.

    Goodbye to summers never realized, 

    goodbye to daydreams which helped me sleep,

    goodbye to checking for a hint of mint sent my way,

    goodbye to all the gardenias I will not smell,
    goodbye to greens of every hue (especially my envy),
    goodbye to a universe where you lie at the center,
    goodbye to all the that flowed so freely out of me,
    goodbye to digging holes in shifty, loose sand,

    goodbye to my energy zapped and drained 

for nothing it seems. Why did I do this to me, again?

Goodbye. Goodbye, sweet muse.
    It is indeed a 

        good

                    bye.

    And I will restart my summer again.
           - Hello, sweet solitary!