in a canoe listing water and the vessel sways side to side taking on more water i am fighting currents with a teaspoon to hold back my feelings. i'm engulfed in feelings i cannot name and i do not like. sometimes its hateful, i barge in like i'm king kong and like life is new york and i am clutching a classic beauty in my fat, hairy fist. sometimes it's sisterly, for people seem to be in a former life of mine i remember but do not miss. sometimes it's loving, and i believe these are phases and in a few years, with a ton of growth, it will be like rip van winkle waking up. come to my house, i'll put out a nice spread, my life perfectly size to come inside. that's not real though. i'm not there though. i'm here. today, i weigh more than my mother pregnant with me, but i am genuinely happy. i hope it's not the cost of being content, but it may be. cook meals too heavy and nourish all the bodies in my home. even my aging body. i still go on walks even though my bum knee gives out now because it was slammed against a strip club floor too many times. yes. i smoked cigarettes in the bluebird drunk, vomited outside the vid, a 50 year old bartender got me home safe guided by my drivers license (do you think that's against bar policy?) and i woke up thin, keys on top of me, bruises, still on the floor of the doorway; he must have just tipped my body in. through the door and shut it behind. puke pillow, that's how some people die. gone is that life i do not miss. today is the life i love, but know will end. and for the life i don't yet know - it scares me monstrously so.
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