The Algorithm Thinks I Need a Hug

Phones have this really funny thing they do now that they didn't used to. I really can't pinpoint when the change occurred, but change it did. Everything is connected in these strange little strings that link the most random things.

Search Google for a mover, and suddenly you get ads on Instagram for movers. Click on one obscure post, and suddenly there's an influx of similar-ish posts. It's not a coincidence. It's really, really shady and voyeuristic marketing. They know what you're looking for.

Well, it happened to me this week.

I'll tell you the facts, and then I'll tell you what I think happened.

Today.

Reddit.

Recommended.

A post.

From the

"Professional Cuddlers" subreddit.

You read that right.

And did I click?

My God, of course! It's like Jerry Springer—you have to look.

But here's how I think we got to this point.

First, I've been following the Rover subreddit for intel. You have posts from both sitters and customers, and they're freely sharing their rates, how they care for animals, expectations, pet peeves (pun intended), and so on. We needed a pet sitter. What a great way to research what I'd need to know—straight from the source, the boots on the ground, not the polished and marketable corporate branding.

Then I recently clicked on a ranty post about someone who had just found out their best friend was dating an AI companion.

Because I'm a nosy bitch.

And then the algorithm said,

"Oh, hiring people to do things in your home via an app? And..." checks notes "...AI companions? Yeah. Give her the professional cuddlers. Hire someone to hold you tonight."

And it's not that the arithmetic daddy-god energy matching up what to give me next was wrong, per se.

Because I am a little into the weird, and of course I wanted to read about what the heck this was and who was hiring them.

But I'm not someone who would hire a professional cuddler.

Then again...

I feel like I'd probably be a professional cuddler's favorite client.

I'm a good hugger. I don't fidget. I'd be so respectful of boundaries and considerate. Ask if this is something they do full-time or if they're also in grad school. Have really nice snacks. Always tip. And we'd have a lovely conversation.

Then again...

Isn't that probably exactly what all the clients think?

Maybe that's the algorithm's real talent.

Not knowing what I want.

Just knowing which strange little corners of me are curious enough to click.