to make life better—i must first be better.

Ballsy Questions

How do I feel?

What do I want?

Ballsy questions

if we’re being honest.

How do I feel?

Fuck if I know. It’s not awesome.

It’s not great, but I can intellectualize

the hell out of almost anything—

because my period is due,

and life is stressful,

and, at baseline, I’m probably depressed.

And, to be frank,

I don’t really give a shit

about doing anything about it

most days.

I can rationalize that

with, “I’m just taking it one day at a time.”

And what do I want?

Maybe it’s a woman

with a molasses-slow Southern drawl,

brushing my hair,

telling me it will be all right.

Someone throwing an “Atta girl”

I could catch like a baseball—

not flinch, not let it hit the ground,

not mistake the impact for an attack.

Or maybe a hard reset.

It works on phones.

Why not me?

But perhaps what I want most

is not to feel at all,

not to want a thing,

to live like some neutral blob,

bothering no one

and nothing.