bites

two bug bites next to each other on my thigh

so either someone came back for seconds

or maybe I was the location of a little bug date

a feelings chart handed to me

all I can be

is hopeful

that whomever

I am over the next

six weeks is strong

enough to get to

the end.

though every time could be the last when you overfeel

blond baby bunny ran from me

as he peered with slit eyes from

cucumber vines I was awashed

with the thought,  "this may be

the last time we ever encounter."

swiftly, a feeling, I've begun to know

same as when I watched the game

and saw there were children whose

parents take their kids to basketball

and the mascot hands out teddy bears

and it's joy so unbearable thru the screen

it only leads to tears because that means

there are kids with parents who don't.

wipe my tears away, front-to-back, for

I am neither bunny nor child, but

these are my cucumber vines. for now.

plants and wildlife stay with the house.

summertime restart

Last night
          insomnia 
    I broke down and

      broke out of a phone prison

where I've been trapped for months
    you were a scapegoat-warden
          I selected
with no bread

         no water
    only daydreams of summers 

        that won't ever be to sustain me.
I cracked through the screen
    punching that hallow
glass reflection of the little woman I've been

    for too long
            too long.

Restart.

        Restart summer the day after it's official start.

Or better stumble over my legs into fall leaves,

    fall time,
        fall season,
            and forget how bad I've fallen

in and out of myself for months. Just scrolling along,

in zombie-like heat. Guess I do feel sympathy, 

        knowing how bad it now feels for stupid me. Embarrassing.

    It's not you; it's me.
        But it's also you; but still me. Mostly me?

If I seem mad at you; it's cause I'm mad at me.

    Both crazy-mad and angry-mad and mad-about-you.

           It was fucking religious epiphany.

It's. A. Prison. Of. My. Own. Making.
            (even if I wallpapered it pretty)

Time to disentangle

        - cut the knots out of my hair that I tied to you.

For me, I must respectfully say goodbye to captivity.

    Goodbye to summers never realized, 

    goodbye to daydreams which helped me sleep,

    goodbye to checking for a hint of mint sent my way,

    goodbye to all the gardenias I will not smell,
    goodbye to greens of every hue (especially my envy),
    goodbye to a universe where you lie at the center,
    goodbye to all the that flowed so freely out of me,
    goodbye to digging holes in shifty, loose sand,

    goodbye to my energy zapped and drained 

for nothing it seems. Why did I do this to me, again?

Goodbye. Goodbye, sweet muse.
    It is indeed a 

        good

                    bye.

    And I will restart my summer again.
           - Hello, sweet solitary!

body spray

When I gravitate towards cheap body spray

I know I am stronger than laws

put into place by men

who told me love lay within them.

But I was born an urban blight rat-

I can smell cheese from a mile away

and fit my whole body into any hole 

my head can fit into and

multiply and not vomit

and I know more love

lies within me.

physician, heal thyself!

lovely as it is to

imagine, there's truth.

my childhood was astroturf

eating plastic and diet coke

readily able to eat a lie and

enjoy each bite, chewing but

not tearing, not mashing, still

chewing whole till I hit

enough and spit it out whole.

doctor

what if my husband dies

     so I make up the guest room

       invite you over

what if my thumb bleeds

     so you kissed it and sucked it

       like love was a doctor?

does undiscovered medicine reside in my blood

or am I as disgusting as every boy you met before?