My husband once feared I’d leave him for a younger, richer man—he needn’t have worried.

Will this yogurt—
probiotics, fiber,
higher-than-usual protein—
fix me? Whatever’s wrong with me?

Cure me of that irrational obsession:
playing loverboy to some straight girl
who barely knows I exist—rightly so.

Have you seen my house? My husband?
The two-carat diamond on my hand?
My meticulously plotted future, neat and shining?
This life—
I wouldn’t leave it, not even if
a thousand girls begged me to.

The straight girls are smarter than I am.
They see the road to nowhere long before I do.
They know I’m going nowhere.
And everyone else sees it too.
Flirting is my worst crime—
Possibly mistaken for friendship.

Yes. I need a cure.
This creamy mango-flavored snack—
healthy, of course—
will definitely do the trick.
Fruit on the bottom, just in case.