stalker

screenshot her

put her in a folder

save her just for us

forever zipped

then she's all ours

wouldn't it be nice?

wouldn't it be

true love

if you awoke

in your home

saw so many 

scraps of me

littered about

a stranger

couldn't tell

if it's my place

or yours?

freckles

cheap cliche trope

last night I

dreamt

a photo

of my father

at a strip club

holding 

the 10 of cups card

and my child self

by his side

last night l

dreamt

a photo

unreal but

for in my

sleeping mind

awoke

to draw

the chariot

reversed

myself

reversed

my wheels

in the air

awoke

to cage

trapped in

my mother's 

body

my mother's

figure

disgusted

to be a cheap

cliche trope

lazy writing

incomplete 

character

no brain

   no body

      no life

that's at least

fully mine

to grow up

with those

parents

hated so

and grow up

to basically

be them

or be

everything

they said

I would be

because of them

take the credit

it's all yours

no escape

daffodil daily

want friendship like we had in college,

when we could and would drop everything

to be together to do nothing. back before

we had started actually living. how life

was transient and we knew our lives

would somehow be completely different

in four years, but didn't know how different

a white lie guy

got the 7 of wands. getting so many 7's. i'm a 7. a chariot. 7 of wands feels like when people say a guy will need a stick to keep the girls away. there's so many of them and one of him. but he has the upper hand. upper ground. stiff upper lip. he can beat them down. he has the power. he will win. he is a winner. but that's the opposite of me. i wore my red troye sivan briefs to feel a little cheeky like an aussie twink. the same confidence as in the back of the kindergarten class i pretended to be a principal observing. anything to not think about my feet so hot and wet in snow boots in summer. anything to not be a little kid. or how i still pretend to be the boyfriend of every friend i've had. always knew i could be a better boyfriend then just did it. till the bottom falls out. perhaps better because i was privy to the girl secrets. am i wrong to step in with my privileged knowledge like that?  they must see it in the cards and letters and gifts and calls and texts. afterall, their boyfriends do. i think every guy who dated any one of my friends should thank me for shouldering all the romance so they could easily get off. i primed her just for you; a thank you would be nice. but instead it's always been resentment. because i now know they saw i was in the sideline waiting. but i wasn't. not really. i was only faking. play pretend. i couldn't get off the bench if i tried. i'm tied down in my fear of anything real. fear of a solid no. i stay safe and secure in playing the part from afar. i'm probably in the wrong. and i worry all the time. the bottom of my life will fall out. one text and there goes my whole life.

day-day-day-day-daydreamer

u & me

walking

outside

picked

a flower

eyes close

we both 

blow petals

in the wind

eyes open

same wish

me & u