scorpio rising, scorpio falling

on the porch in the dark

    only the moonlight

so sad

i'm gonna touch myself

        the only person who will

cry those slow rolling 

            golden honey tears

which been building
    in my eyes

        in my throat

    all day

to resist telling you my 

        real thoughts like

i could chew panties like bubblegum

i'm an only child

i want to know your knees

in the backyard there's blueberries

    and i'd probably cry more

        if we were alone

then i'd stretch open my lips

            petal pink

    to wrap you up safe in them

bundled for winter

    for storms

        snoodled and swaddled.

i'd give you everything i don't have.

forgive me-

i am a waterhole

    a warm bath

        a salty turn

        always wet

with tears.

but i'll keep it to myself instead

just eat half a cookie

        go to bed on time.

always a good girl.

mama,

i ate all my lunch

                and i didn't complain.

  i'll always be a good girl.

i won't cry

            i'll work hard

and i'll never be loud

even when I'm scared

mama,

i won't ask for much,

be sweet

     be sweeter

be sugar floss sweet.

    -so agreeable

even when i'm sad.

a pleasure to have
in class

              in marriage

            in life.

mama,

i will be an ant

  so small

        lift ten times my weight

hold up a world

    of rules.

down,

down into a spiral

         a death spiral

            with my sisters   

 

i'm sorry i forgot to thank you.  

 

eyes forward.

eyes always forward.

don't look around. 

we ant mill in circles,
together,
always a good girl—
until the end, 
until we can’t be heard.

sonnet #2

 

no one eats hope, yet it's what my life needs

i love like what i saw on the t.v.

rabid sadness to which joy still concedes 

a chess game across a lighted marquee

everyone i love would rather be dead

than play another dumb hollywood trope

act big man on campus in my dim head

it's not how real people act - i'm aslope.

i'm too much you're too much it's all too much

feeling a wild fable start to brew

i like you beyond divinity touch
into the dark depths of fictional spew

i will never be a real lover boy;

be my girl though i'm just a cheap decoy.

sonnet #1

Oh, nothing about thou is humble, dear.

Now, I am compelled to write a sonnet

a first for me, but not for thou, I hear.

A dazzling face, my love, my sweet pet.

Feeling too much! Confine me with structure!

fold craving, desire into strict form.

my modern chaos seeks a vintage cure-

Shakespearean focus on my forlorn.

Hark! Classic beauty, tame me, bite thy thumb.

What if we live where you know I'm not slick?

Comedic timing, always saw I'm dumb.

You let me act such a feral lovesick.

Open and close for me, like blooms to light

say you love me in a message tonight.

ON YOUR WEDDING DAY

Happiness to you, on this day you deserve it,

you fucking earned joy

after how I wheel barreled you in triplicate,

        blind occipital orbits in the way each time,

I was an emotional wart, back time and time again.

We slipped into record grooves of a life others lived before. 

        Assigned the roles as kids and

            living with them as emerging adults.

Cops and Robbers. Hide and Seek. I Spy.

Donned our character sheet and became:

Zoo. French Class. Drunken nights.

    I was playing a scene I saw on t.v.

once as a child,
    I thought that was 

boyfriend, girlfriend, 

    dating, life and love.

Thought I could just mimic it true.

I'm sorry. Sorry, so sorry.

See me in those blinding neon pink pants.

chunky white and pink Baby Phat shoes.

   Bedazzled flashes of nights

    I can barely remember. 

I was cruel.

    Not a good girlfriend.

        Not a good friend.

            Not a good girl.

                NO FUCKING GOOD.

      I wanted to be one of the boys.

I wanted to be one of YOUR boys.

Then I'd turn fast with a tipped glass, sloshed

    abandoned you downtown, no ride,

        midnight - buses not running -

ignored your frantic calls. All calls.

    All cause the band played 

the song you wanted, 

        and not the song I wanted.

    Selfish, Wild, Hurtful. Das Moi.

No sorry could fix this. That's just one.

        One Incident. Snapshot.

You endured. Love? I didn't know it.

    But you did in some way. Surely.

        Twirly, hurly, rollercoaster love.

Wish I could say it was an act. 

    As if, I couldn't know better.

Perhaps I wore tough to impress you

                    -But that's another lie.

It was almost always my fault, 

    even if I always

        always blamed you. 

I was ready to fight at birth

    but you knew that.

[Did you ever really believe my lies?]

I was wrong. I was wrong about you.

        You proved me wrong. Catch me humble.
You deserve someone to love

    your polycast ways which print eternal

        three dimensional ways

faint fuzz sensitive and chilled kindness.

there's art in the machine, you said

you were mechanical, but you were all heart

    tender-hearted, delicate. Get love. Get life. 

Snatch it up how 

    I would snatch up your shoulders

and shake and cry and yell.

    Take life by the balls and love 
in your bionic binary ways. 

            Whole again.

                    I hope.

    You should never be second in line again.

You, who dove into dreams of giraffes, remember that,

        and rise up, up, up the ladder.

gifted another blessed day in a life that only grows.

lonely in Alabama's largest city

i can smell myself from a mile away

rubber bands and hot hair, like teen girls

                            straightening their hair

spray me down with your perfume

so tonight i can lick my arm.

to taste how you smell, it's

sweat and janitor cleaner

                        low notes

flowers and powder donuts

                        high notes

savor this rare scent.

everytime i decrease

my antidepressant

    - return to early puberty

i am pre-teen love

want everything

    right now, but get

nothing later.

sniffing the page you touched.

hugging a teddy bear close.

i need to know something you.

what did you eat today?

i am sullen at the thought

you may not have 

        had any fruit at all today.

i ate an orange for you

peeled off this skin

it clings to me still

i am citrus tone

    walking down 

an empty hall

            all alone.

bare nightmare

wrap me up in brown paper

send me far from here
the doula dreamy dredge

last night, i was at a bar,
your ex with an snake arm
round my waist

fingertips concave my skin
plush and no longer hard, i was weak,
he was whispering spittle sweet nothing

he said he craved me
yet i knew he said the same
to you in the same way

ran on fumble legs to your apartment
waiting all night to
    -hold you
        -tell you
            -bond with you
                -our sullen stories

i was dusting
your picture frames
i was keeping busy
there were pet rats
           everywhere
        till morning

you were in your bed
    the bed i made
    in sheets i washed
with a Dr. SomethingSomething
with the face of a serious child
    -a face that never played a game
            till he was an adult

            in
                security.
all this was always nothing

but my head.
    wake up alone.