bites

two bug bites next to each other on my thigh

so either someone came back for seconds

or maybe I was the location of a little bug date

a feelings chart handed to me

all I can be

is hopeful

that whomever

I am over the next

six weeks is strong

enough to get to

the end.

though every time could be the last when you overfeel

blond baby bunny ran from me

as he peered with slit eyes from

cucumber vines I was awashed

with the thought,  "this may be

the last time we ever encounter."

swiftly, a feeling, I've begun to know

same as when I watched the game

and saw there were children whose

parents take their kids to basketball

and the mascot hands out teddy bears

and it's joy so unbearable thru the screen

it only leads to tears because that means

there are kids with parents who don't.

wipe my tears away, front-to-back, for

I am neither bunny nor child, but

these are my cucumber vines. for now.

plants and wildlife stay with the house.

summertime restart

Last night
          insomnia 
    I broke down and

      broke out of a phone prison

where I've been trapped for months
    you were a scapegoat-warden
          I selected
with no bread

         no water
    only daydreams of summers 

        that won't ever be to sustain me.
I cracked through the screen
    punching that hallow
glass reflection of the little woman I've been

    for too long
            too long.

Restart.

        Restart summer the day after it's official start.

Or better stumble over my legs into fall leaves,

    fall time,
        fall season,
            and forget how bad I've fallen

in and out of myself for months. Just scrolling along,

in zombie-like heat. Guess I do feel sympathy, 

        knowing how bad it now feels for stupid me. Embarrassing.

    It's not you; it's me.
        But it's also you; but still me. Mostly me?

If I seem mad at you; it's cause I'm mad at me.

    Both crazy-mad and angry-mad and mad-about-you.

           It was fucking religious epiphany.

It's. A. Prison. Of. My. Own. Making.
            (even if I wallpapered it pretty)

Time to disentangle

        - cut the knots out of my hair that I tied to you.

For me, I must respectfully say goodbye to captivity.

    Goodbye to summers never realized, 

    goodbye to daydreams which helped me sleep,

    goodbye to checking for a hint of mint sent my way,

    goodbye to all the gardenias I will not smell,
    goodbye to greens of every hue (especially my envy),
    goodbye to a universe where you lie at the center,
    goodbye to all the that flowed so freely out of me,
    goodbye to digging holes in shifty, loose sand,

    goodbye to my energy zapped and drained 

for nothing it seems. Why did I do this to me, again?

Goodbye. Goodbye, sweet muse.
    It is indeed a 

        good

                    bye.

    And I will restart my summer again.
           - Hello, sweet solitary!

body spray

When I gravitate towards cheap body spray

I know I am stronger than laws

put into place by men

who told me love lay within them.

But I was born an urban blight rat-

I can smell cheese from a mile away

and fit my whole body into any hole 

my head can fit into and

multiply and not vomit

and I know more love

lies within me.

physician, heal thyself!

lovely as it is to

imagine, there's truth.

my childhood was astroturf

eating plastic and diet coke

readily able to eat a lie and

enjoy each bite, chewing but

not tearing, not mashing, still

chewing whole till I hit

enough and spit it out whole.

doctor

what if my husband dies

     so I make up the guest room

       invite you over

what if my thumb bleeds

     so you kissed it and sucked it

       like love was a doctor?

does undiscovered medicine reside in my blood

or am I as disgusting as every boy you met before?

memorial day 2024

Another Memorial Day poem- this time the year is so strange, so future, I am taken aback.  Jupiter is entering Gemini hasn't been here in 12 years. Did you know that 15 years ago when you died Jupiter appeared close to Neptune? I don't know how often that happens but it seemed special. Just as it still feels so rare and soul crushing to be without you. Yet, there are thousands of girls in love and just not aware, till their soulmate is killed in a country than hasn't ever known peace and still doesn't (what even is peace? It feels fiction) and us girls don't want to "remember the reason for the holiday" because it was all so senseless to begin with. You should have been home; you should have been home with me. But instead let's send more children to be killed. It will be different this time. Isn't insanity doing the same thing and expecting different results? I am beginning to believe governments know the end but don't care  Parade. Parade. Senators and companies don't know love. Give me a fucking parade. That's a nice uniform to die in. Perfect for a night out on the town. Might get blown up later. Might not find all the parts. We only buried half of you. Barbeque. Yum. Sales. Memorial Day Sales. 25% off crying fits. Buy me some stuff and eat and let's pretend this is normal and not horrific and my grief isn't a teenager crying still. After all, someone is making money and there's a fresh war brewing catty corner from where the U.S. military left half of you. Of all your pranks, dying on Memorial Day 2009 was a hurtful one. I don't write every Memorial Day but I do rewrite too many.

stop

"I don't know who needs to hear this...."

Stop. Stop right there. You don't know who,

because it's no one. No one needs to hear you.

in this sweet baby tea economy?

I drink sweet tea with real sugar

not 'unsweet with two sweet n' low'

so when my mother said about you

"There are benefits to an older lover."

I knew she meant sexually

but that wasn't my cost-analysis.

I saw her, at 56, in her mobile home

asking her mommy to pay lot rent
cause she owned the trailer but not the land

and I, at 29,  had no other goal

than to not become that.

I was drowning in a life

built in spilt-milk spilt-milk

cup by cup I poured
crying with no way out.

Saw how you treated your cats better than

anyone's treated me in my whole life

and offered to give me more

than my mother or her mother,

or anyone else ever did.

A honey trap
I was caught up in sticky

and sometimes I just see sunk cost

but then my friend texts me
she is maybe moving 

back in with her mother
and she's crying

and she's screaming
she feels so wild  she's suicidal.
But you made sun tea with real sugar.
Everything is real sugar, fresh cut lemons,
Costco, steak dinner, 
watching campy 60's game shows,

and my life with you.
Benefits indeed.

I grow fat while my peers grown lean.

irrational

scratch all my bug bites till they bleed

    pick all my scabs so they will not heal

cause I want a bug bite to last forever
    so imagine how long I'd hold on to it

if you ever really hurt little dumb me?

7 years married

So sorry, grumpy bear. This morning

I awoke on the wrong side of time

sudden teenage and embarrassed

and changing and angry. It was me now. 

Yet...it's also the whole world till now.

Today the ball-and-chain metaphor

felt real. For you and I. Want to say

it's your fault. But it's not. But it

     isn't mine either.

So sweet, baby man. This night

you called me on the phone brief

and you were boyish and clowning

and fun and kind. It was you now.

Yet....it wasn't the whole you till now.

Tonight the soulmate cliche 

felt real. For you and I. Want to say

it's your fault. But it's not. But it

      isn't mine either.

You awoke on the wrong side of time too.

    It was a Full Moon in Sagittarius you know.

hip opener.

Mother, how you boasted

         I could read two grades up

       -high reading comprehension

unbearable mother wound.

so I could read
    between the lines.

      subtextual mother tongue
primordial screams

               silent beneath

everything you said to me.

"Being pregnant destroyed my body."

    a sexy,
        tight body is more important
than every breath I'll take.

"Having you made me pro-choice."

    meeting me was too much
         you would abort me
and save any woman from
    the likes of me.

"You can't care for every stray you find."

        you couldn't care
    for the one life you bore.

"Here's cab fare to get to therapy."

    easier to pay two people
        just to avoid talking to me.

"Being with women is a hard life; try to stick to men."

    even real love isn't worth a challenge
repress what you want for the easiest life
        the most acceptable lie.

"Having a baby will ruin your life."

         I ruined your life.

            [and I would do it again and worse]

"You remember wrong.
                            We didn't see your father that much."

        somehow you believe
   the acceptable number of times
  for a child to visit a convicted molester isn't zero.

"He knows he can't go into your room."

    you knew he was a danger to me

        but invited him in the house anyway

          did he pinkie promise he wouldn't rape your daughter?
          and was that really e-fucking-nough for you?
          [obviously it was - because I was overreacting...still am]

"You're crying so loud I can't fucking think."

             no matter how long
        or how loud I screamed

   you weren't gonna hear

"Knowing everything I know now, I'd do it all the same."

    that cancer that killed you was
        the rage I didn't get around to metabolize
    and it was born the day you said that 

            that day.

and the leftovers have lived tight in my hips    

                ever since.

green eyes.

 you've been loved by boys

and i've been loved by boys and men

so i know i could do better than both of them.
variegation spanning the rainforest leaves

my life was built on a million shades of green

 and i could love you with every hue.

let me love you emerald

                        verdant

                   jade

                    leafy

                    olive

                      mossy

                   mint

                             and forest.

the solace of my soul

the things i think but would never tell you like

how since i was a toddler i have understood the

adult world but decided i wanted no part, never 

be scared, never feel fear, how today i walked

half a mile to the mexican market in my suede

boots and mini skirt when my mother would

have locked the car doors as we went by, but 

i ate my popsicle unlady-like dripping down

onto my boots from alabama heat and drink

jamaican-style ginger beer and in college i met

men in hotels i did not know. i did not know the

men  or the hotels but i was there. i was born

angry and i brawl in my brain and brawl out

loud and i took every drug i was offered till i was

24. each time i liked it even more. once i pissed

my pants laughing with crack dealers in a basement

the toilet was filled up and the water not working
yet when she was in college my mom was at
a party and someone had pot, she left
immediately to take a shower and wash her clothes

but that is my peace how i can do everything

absolutely everything different than mama would

yet resoundingly still be mostly made of her.

[and i'd do it all again exactly the same too]

estella

 

only way to play never-have-i-ever at bible study

is to lie, asleep in my bed my brain could dream anything

but played a used vhs tape instead, goodwill sticker 

half rubbed off the side, pick me off, peel me off,
but i still cling ripping paper case

(forever marred)

(you aren't the disney princess you wished; you are villainy)

used to think i could fare better
but i'm also weak for a sullen, selfish girl

manipulate and use me, discard me
at the thrift store like nothing ever happened.

someone might pick me up and take me home.

mugwort menses

Our brains are wired by stimuli of our bodies and

the wind unties knots which been in our lungs for years

compulsively sewing our untamed emotions into words

hopes hidden secret in our heavy dress hems, our love

is apron string bow weak, give us less; we'll love you more.

What if every grub is a tongue cut out our mouth in past life

and that's why we scream in horror, to reject the silence

and we forgot we bled miracles every month, not profits?

the gleeful return

 

7 years dead

Maple branches burdened with windmill seeds

buldging and swaying like your breasts, large

Pine cones scatter, gapping wide welcome 

I was born of your womb, born of your young lust

Slimey as the algae green, shoes off, between toes

sitting next to dead baby birds, a nest disrupted 

Discarded lighter bobbing in a pond, succumbs

sinking to the bottom now living with the scum

Walking outside, thrust in a world bursting with sex

new babies, I  am a droplet that ran off a stream

Suddenly nubile, birthed into second youthful spring

it's deafening, so many cicadas fucking gleefully

I bristle when they say you died too young, I think

you just didn't say no, till your body gave out

If this is true, I'll end up living forever denying myself

make me prolific

almost as careless

    and chaotic 

            as me

that's dangerous

            chemistry

    atomic bombs

    mustard gas

    a violence
that lasts

[unintentionally.]

[isn't that somehow worse?]

oops, my misunderstanding

        oops, i did it again

thought this were 

    long-distance chess

        another lacey thong ballet

balanced on light beams.

        every day

familiar numb fear

    that, for you,

i was never really 

        really involved.

stupid bystander not so innocent

    -another lesson i refuse to learn

so i write it down

write it down and save it.

burn down my library,

    i got stacks on stacks about you.

[ew i'm ovulating and horny]

female human bodies

Memories are a telescope pointed at the sky

focused on a far off star, Hugh Hefner said

for Playboy photographs

"Always leave a hint of a man.

       Cigar in ashtray,

       Two glasses,

       a button up shirt."

I never saw any of that

  just her lounging,

          her comfortable,

     her naked and looking up.

sex with the likes of her

writhing like a snake nest

creamy okra

two thistle thighs

rub on everything

this is now mine.

burrowing.

     burrowing.

god, this is how the world ends

Did you know God lives in your neck

and everyone who kissed it was ordained

But there are no spiritual leaders right now

cause breaking your heart is excommunication

So I keep living by doing nothing, ever,

cause I'm no better than all those before

Now, we have no one to lead the people

and no one giving you love. Is this how it ends?

sorry for existing and wanting and not being able and not good enough and probably never will be but sometimes i pretend

futuristic voyeuristic

Social media is friendly-fire psy ops

      -is this toward me,

       or any target audience,

       or titillated chance?

I'm in your life now

peripheral vision, 

      strained eyes,

churned out like butter

pour your gristle and fat into me.

Unbalanced meal

spaghetti-crawl off the plate

It's touching! It's touching!

Peas and carrots touching

     -roll out the red carpet,

      get out the guest soap,

      open up the good stuff!

I'm peering in like a pie

          window cooling.

Am I stalker or vampire

you invited in?

Who is to blame?

    I, who sees, or

You, who shows.

sonnet #4

in sun tea summer when i grow tanner

i like it when we babysit bunnies

line up for their recess, learn their grammar

among the clover, i make them cookies.

i invite anyone in our small home

we built it up like a lemonade stand

but you would rather we stick it alone

together, in rooms with doors never slammed.

selfishly giving myself away, free

for any passerby willing to pause

when you are where i can hang all my keys

you are dogwood, loving me just because.

forgive me how i always devastate;

it's us, our life, to which i dedicate.

oh the things you could do (but won't, it's for the best)

taste the Cherry Coca-Cola Lipsmackers off my lips,

move to the mountains with me and holler down,

eat fresh cookies in bed cause chocolate chips feel safe,

rest in a dark room, the only light, sound, Stop Making Sense

-action!

please ask me about my beliefs and life, but you don't care,

or contemplate who you'll love this week as it won't be me,

or wipe me off with fist, like milk around a child's mouth

or you could suggest all the things i could do, but won't.

it's ok

it's all for the best

it's all milk and cookies

undressed, obsessed, suppressed

is my favorite place to be.

how the abuse colors outside the lines of time

 the difference between

      arm over or

    arm under blanket

  too cool then too hot

like being awake

        in bed

mom slamming pots

mom slamming pans

-that's just how it sounds

        to me

            right now
from the other room

without walls

    i'd see it is you 

        you making coffee

        you whistling out the window

        at our bird and bunny friends

        at our yellow zucchini blossoms
spring has sprung in sideways snow.

my mother is dead;

    i am safe in a king bed.

[we bought.]

[you said i could sleep in.] 

nothing has changed

    please tell my Clydesdale heart
which will give out
    or burst out 
        and kill me
that's the difference between

   my weak little child past or

       my big strong adult present

    yet it still sounds the same

from the other room.

daylistpoem

February 8th, 2024    /    fun millennial thursday early morning

diner doo-wop thursday morning 

dirty     pop     mcbling     thursday    afternoon

bachelorette party birthday evening

        hip hop party rap thursday night 

(it's february 9th)

bbe baddie friday early morning 

lo-fi beats instrumental friday morning

mystical fairycore friday afternoon 

2/10/2024

nostalgia bacheloreete party saturday morning

50's crooner saturday afternoon

Feb. 11

lip sync dirty pop early morning

2-12-24
    crooner vintage hollywood monday early morning
        1920s jazz monday morning 

            moody dark academia monday afternoon

february 15th, 2024

    fun movie thursday early morning

        happy pop mcbling thursday afternoon

march 25th, 2024

dirty pop new jack swing monday morning

3/25/24

cowboy y'allternative monday afternoon

March 27th, 2024     80s soft rock timeless wednesday afternoon

thursday thursday march 28th is a thursday in 2024

                    90s indie flannel thursday morning

"You listened to noise and hipster on Thursday"

                                march 29        avant-garde experimental friday morning

[4/9/24] mcbling catwalk tuesday early morning 

                fresh festival tuesday morning

4/10/24

fun plastique chic wednesday morning 

4/11/24

beach goth 80s alternative thursday morning

[april 12th, 2024]

[dream pop reverb friday morning]

[chill rock flannel morning]

april fifteenth                 mystical siren monday early morning

                                nervous indie pop monday afternoon

4-17-2024

70s coastal cowgirl wednesday morning

May 1st, 2024 

        nostalgia iconic wednesday early morning 

pumpkin spice autumn wednesday morning  

            power pop jangle wednesday afternoon   

"You listened to garage and britpop on Wednesday afternoons. Here's some jangle, college rock."